By Jack | March 1, 2013
Move over Urban Meyer. Step aside Deshaun Thomas. There’s a new king on campus.
Wednesday night the University Police issued a warning via email to the entire student body: 23-year-old Michael Moses Tarpeh, described as “heavyset” (tipping the scales at a hefty 280 pounds), is currently wanted in the states of Massachusetts, Connecticut, and West Virginia for various criminal offenses. After what appears to be a campus-hopping, havoc-wreaking journey across the Eastern United States, Mr. Tarpeh has decided to spend some time in The Cap City with the Buckeyes.
And the best part? His nickname. The email informs students that Tarpeh “refers to himself as ‘Bigggggg Mike’.” Note the 6 G’s at the end of “big”. He will not respond if you only use 5 G’s.
Needless to say, after a picture on Twitter showed him with Buckeye Rifle Team member and 2012 Olympian, Amanda Furrer, at a local bar, he became an instant celebrity at OSU. Furrer, by the way, had no connection with Bigggggg Mike, he had simply recognized her from the Olympic team and asked for a picture, to which she obliged.
What has ensued since basically resembles a ridiculous Cops/Where’s Waldo hybrid, in which both authorities and college students are scanning alleyways in vain, with hopes of spotting the deceptively-sneaky criminal. The underdog has the world’s most one-sided game of hide-n-seek in the palm of his hand, along with our undivided attention.
Bigggggg Mike’s meteoric rise to fame may also be attributed to his Twitter account. Bigggggg Mike, who uses his alias, Michael Moses Boadi, on Twitter, experienced a large increase in his number of followers after the email was circulated.
And Bigggggg Mike has kept the people engaged, affording the student body with a glimpse into the life of a fugitive. If Niko Bellic, protagonist of Grand Theft Auto 4, tweeted as he fled from his computer-generated pursuers, this is what it would be like. At 7:42 PM Thursday night, Bigggggg Mike proudly proclaimed “Running from the feds but taking this time to tweet all my fans and Osu supporters… #crimelife”.
As of now, nobody has been harmed by Bigggggg Mike’s presence on campus, and it’s only a matter of time before they finally catch up (perhaps somewhere out in California, or perhaps Colorado… somewhere scenic). Not many people can outrun the U.S. Government, let alone a man weighing in at 280 pounds.
Until then, there’s nothing much that Buckeyes can do but sit tight and be smart. Lock your doors, lock your cars, keep track of your keys, belongings, and your friends. Don’t go anywhere alone at night and keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior.
Oh, and don’t worry about that guy that you know who goes by “Biggggg Mike”. He’s a good guy–it’s the guy with the 6 G’s that you need to watch out for.